Things I Did This Week Despite Being Made of Stardust

or because of

• Put lemon wedges in the garbage disposal.

• Tracked a package.

• Laid a hoodie flat to dry so it wouldn’t shrink. I am part of the wonderment of the galaxy.

• Recommended a podcast.

• Ran for the train.

• Complained because my beagle took too long sniffing a tree.

• Listened to Candy Everybody Wants six times; In My Hour Of Darkness nine times; Everybody’s Trying To Figure Me Out eleven times;

• Walked in my sleep to the bathroom, turned on the light, and said out loud, “They are still so shiny” about a pedicure I got a month ago.

• Ate my annual Cadbury Egg.

• Took three tries to throw away a strand of dental floss. I am a creature from outer space.

• Went to an ice cream social with friends and wore a little paper soda jerk hat.

• A nightly face routine I call Face Plus, which is five steps I’m probably doing in the wrong order.

• Bought tulips, mentioned every day, “Oh yeah, I forgot about those.”

• Looked up “Dachshund Versus Penguin” to make sure it was still there.

• Paid five dollars more than my credit card minimum. My light is only just now visible though it was extinguished millennia ago.

• Started to comment “You’re in a cult,” on Facebook, then deleted.

• Ran in the rain to Taco Bell then ran in the rain from Taco Bell.

• Placed a bucket under my leaky shower head. I am literal proof of intelligent life in the universe.

• Filmed my dog for fifteen minutes in case the wind lifted her ears.

• Asked, “How much protein do you think is in this?”

• Agreed and hung up when my mom said, “Well I know you’re busy,” even though I wasn’t busy. We are all made of stardust.

• Intentionally dropped a cheese puff so my dog would find it and I could hear her crunch.

• Bought cheap shoes, expensive underwear, and a vintage comic book I thought was fairly-priced.

• Cried looking at this panel of Snoopy and Charlie Brown.

  

• Made a to-do list every day, each of which included the entry, “Unfinished stuff from yesterday’s list.”

• Said, “I don’t know,” when a plumber asked if I had a water heater.

• Played a game Chris made up called “What You Would Say To Famous People After Their Improv Shows.” (Katy Perry does NOT want to run into me after her improv show.)

• Blocked someone on TikTok because they said Amy Poehler isn’t funny.

• Found a pair of (clean) underwear in my pantleg during a meeting at work, made an intricate plan of what to do once the meeting ended, forgot by the time I was alone, found it again on my walk home.

• Watched a thirty-minute breakdown of the new Fantastic Four trailer. One wild and precious life, hurtling through space.

• Talked too much in a meeting where I wanted to make a good impression.

• Got lost walking a block and a half.

• Signed up for kickball. I am on a voyage through time.

• Refilled the candy jar on my desk at work with Starburst.

• Watched the film Paris, Texas in ten-minute bursts. Watched the “walking home from school” scene twice.

• Went to a comic store, saw a “Back in 15 min” sign on the door, and didn’t wait because I didn’t know when the sign was written.

  

• Put a t-shirt on backwards, attempted a correction and put it on backwards again, did the same thing a third time, whispered, “What. In the world.”

• Double-checked IMDb during each episode of The Pitt and said, “Did I tell you this guy is British” every time.

• Played multiple rounds of “Guess What Song’s in My Head.” Hardest to guess: Joy to the World by Three Dog Night. The fishes in the deep blue sea. You and me.

• Emails.